no guts, no glory

being in a relationship that isn’t working is terribly painful. and enduring that pain really bears no fruit. in fact, it does a lot of damage. but leaving that same relationship can be grueling, as well. separation and divorce are miserable creatures. they spawn their own varieties of heartache — and embolden surprising enemies at every turn.

i’ve had no doubts that my decision to leave was right for me and right for my boys. but despite that, it’s been difficult. along side the struggles, there have been many beautiful moments, as well, of course. i have greeted them quietly. i have accepted them and made note of them. i have taken some of them to bed. i have written some poems about them. i have photographed them from many angles.

but i haven’t celebrated. only recently, even, have i started to feel more comfortable with the idea of celebrating. and so, accordingly, i planned my 4oth birthday party as a two-fer: a celebration of my birthday and a housewarming/celebration of my new beginning. i’ve really been looking forward to it, but i wasn’t entirely convinced that it would feel like a celebration. even though i’ve been waiting a long time to celebrate, it seemed like an arbitrary deadline.

and then all of a sudden, last night, a surprise birthday party. early.

celebration was done waiting for me. celebration ambushed me.

as i sit here typing this, i am sobbing, for a very good reason: i have so much joy and love in my life. more than i ever thought possible. my sisters and friends (and even my very favorite restauranteur) worked hard to plan a surprise party for me. they worked in secret. and they got me. dinner at my favorite spot. gifts. cake. poetry in the park. drinks and dancing into the night. quiet time on my patio.

i am so happy. and i am so grateful.

the celebration did not arrive on the deadline i set — it came rushing at me and took me in its arms when i wasn’t expecting it. but its timing was perfect. and because i was open and ready (more than i knew), it came pouring in.

thank you so much. and wow.