although, it’s been a couple months since i published a blog post, i’ve been attempting one every week or so. i wasn’t entirely sure why i wasn’t publishing, blamed it on the usual suspects: busy, busy aaaaaaaand busy. but i was sitting down with the blog – sometimes every few days — so that wasn’t the full story.
though i hate to admit it (& though i tried to be defiant), i was terribly bothered by the comments from the person who was harassing me. i have a joke with the man i’m dating: i claim that i am tough-as-nails (& both of us know it’s not entirely true). but part of it is true. i am really tough… i am also extremely vulnerable.
i put myself out “there” (& out here). it requires some magical thinking… that the overall goodness of people will make it OK to publish my ramblings and poems online, that no one will take advantage. but of course, some people do. it made writing about everything difficult even though i’d hoped it wouldn’t. foolishly, i let it impact even my private writings. it all feels very “high school,” and i really wish i weren’t susceptible to it. however, separation and divorce are trying times. they test everything. everything hurts. i really couldn’t muster a thick skin against just-one-more-thing.
and what finally shut me down (& this blog down) entirely? the online bully attempted to run interference with my current romance, and i felt very, very protective. it is one thing to put myself in front of a firing squad, but when the invective pulls in those i care about? it stops being worth it.
something has transpired, however, on the troll front. it’s possible that he/she has been outed. someone has turned her in. OR the person who turned her in invented the whole thing. either way, i have enough information to make it less frightening. i have some thinking to do about how i allowed people like this intimate access… but that aside, i’m going to try to move on, to get back to blogging. comments are open again (yay!), but with each one moderated (sorry for the inconvenience; i’m not ‘over it’ entirely).
the rose in this post? it is from a first date in october. the very sweet gesture represented a new beginning. and it represents one now.