for national poetry month, i’m not going to commit to writing a poem a day. while i used to set certain things aside to meet those challenges, life is different now. there’s less wiggle room. many of you are as busy as i am and still manage the poem-a-day… and you amaze me. i know i don’t have it in me right now.
it doesn’t really matter to me if it’s lack of will/desire or lack of discipline. sure, i beat myself up over lack of writing (blog posts and poems). and yes, i’ve done some soul-searching about why i’m not writing as much and why it’s bothering me. and even though i’ve been stuck like this for months (nearly 2 years?), i haven’t been willing or able to throw myself back in. i write little bits — a few poems a month, a blog post here and there — but i never have momentum.
i could psychoanalyze it. when i was married, my poems were used against me, my time with my blog and online friends was ridiculed, my local poetry outings were suspect. for a few months in 2012, my blog stopped being a safe place. all of those things could contribute, but i’m tougher than that. i’ve given those influences a big fuck you. besides, if these were the only issues, i would simply write privately.
honestly, i think the biggest thing is that i’m making choices to do other things besides write. since 2009, i’ve lost my mom, faced the workforce again, left a man i’d been with half my life, moved twice, struggled to keep friends, lost my pets. but that’s the downside. and while it’s taken lots of energy, i’ve also invested in Many Good Things, like motherhood (happily spending as much time with the boys as i can), career (doing good work and establishing myself), education (pursuing an mfa), friends, poetry community and a wonderful new relationship. just recently, i also got custody of one of my dogs.
i want as much time as i can for all those things. however, i do want to ease back into a regular writing practice. i believe in it. and it’s important… and who knows what it may open up.
since poetry and blogging have always been connected for me (i started blogging 8 or 9 years ago to find other writers), i’m going to write a blog post every day in april. who knows? some new stories may emerge and some poems may pop up as a result. that’s been part of the problem for me: i’m tired of the old stories i’ve been telling myself. it has seemed like i’ve relied on that downside too heavily. yes, it was a rich vein. but what i’m really interested in runs deeper than that. the real stuff. the what-i’m-made-of stuff. the what-matters-to-me stuff.